Whores of the Year

What's this? Tiger Woods didn't make the cut?

No indeed. This is a different kind of whore. A much more dirty and disgusting whore whose diseases are proliferated throughout an unsuspecting public, causing irreparable destruction to all of mankind.

This is the Quote Whore.

Courageous media watchdog Erik Childress over at eFilmCritic.com has revealed his annual report of published "critics" all too eager to get down on their knees and open real wide for any passing movie studio with a greenback or two.

Childress offers an eye-opening, fascinating, and frankly, quite hilarious examination of the year's most despicable quote whoring. What exactly is a "quote whore," you ask? They are "professionals" whose sloppy send-ups are used by movie studios on official publicity materials as protection for their poorer products. Their stamp of approval is usually concise, generous with praise, lacking imagination, and entirely ridiculous-- even downright dishonest. They especially love the superlative: every new release brings a new "best" or "most" to the cinematic table.

Why do they do it? Childress occasionally offers speculation. Kickbacks? Maybe. Invites to exclusive events? Maybe. Perks and trinkets? Perhaps. A few more strokes to the bloated ego? Almost definitely.

What I love most about Childress' Criticwatch is its inherent incontrovertible scientific nature. He simply compiles statements attributed to others, and the conclusions basically draw themselves.

How does one defend, for instance, a declaration that "Channing Tatum and Terrence Howard are perfect!" in the typically average action drama Fighting? The answer is: you can't defend it. It's completely absurd. Yet the 9th whoriest whore of the year Sandie Newton found these words to be fair fodder.

Other amusing attestations:

• "Grab your girlfriends and go see this summer’s most heartwarming film!" -- Maria Salas on My Sister's Keeper
• "A breathtaking thrill ride." -- Stuart Lee on Law Abiding Citizen
• Hilarious! Confessions is a nonstop laughing spree." -- Pete Hammond on Confessions of a Shopaholic
  
• "An irresistible comedy that will put a big fat smile on your face." -- Jeff Craig on My Life in Ruins
• "One of the best family films of the year…as engaging as the original…and with one of the funniest screenplays of the year." -- Jeffrey Lyons on Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian"
• "Totally hilarious! The funniest, craziest and zaniest teen movie ever." -- Shawn Edwards on Fired Up

*palmface/headdesk combo*

The "Michael Medved 'Bag O'Douche' Award" bestowed at the end of the article might get a little too caught up in personal quibbles and insecurities, but this is still a must-read. So click on over and start moving those eyeballs!

Erik Childress presents: Criticwatch 2009 - The Whores of the Year over at eFilmCritic.com.

Making a List (and checking it, well... only once)

The last few days I've felt like I've been carrying around a large and unwieldy burden. Like Megan Fox in the Transformers movies, or Matthew McConaughey in... everything he's ever done ever.

So at the very least I need to try to make sense of my feelings of anxiety, of something dreadful and looming. Like that upcoming horror movie Babies.

For starters, I haven't posted in a few days. I've wanted to post, and I've felt like I should post. So why no post? It's that burden again. My Matthew McConaughey. It's like a little demon inside my mind that makes me feel completely overwhelmed while feeding on these very feelings.

Have I lost you? Allow me to elucidate. I have been struggling with health issues for awhile now-- about five-and-a-half years total, two years of substantial disability-- related to abnormal anatomy at the joint between my brain and spine.

One of my most troubling symptoms has always been decreased mental stamina, or difficulty with concentration and comprehension. This has made writing blog posts and movie reviews quite the challenge under typical circumstances. Since I underwent surgery almost four weeks ago and have been on pain meds and muscle relaxants and the like, my "brain fog" has intensified tenfold.

But I can fight the fog. That's what I do. That's what I've always done. If I didn't fight the fog, there would be no Appleplectic.

Here's where McConaughey comes in.

That little demon dancing around in my consciousness, constantly reminding me that I'm immersed in the fog, that I'm disabled by the fog. Then I, aware of my disadvantage, feel further burdened by the thought of having to post, to write, to create in any way-- of having the fight the fog. Then McConaughey gobbles up my failure and inaction, morphing into an even more menacing beast. I have been defeated, and picking myself back up feels all the more impossible. It's a disturbingly vicious cycle.

MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!!

Not to mention the ridiculously high standards I set for myself and my impenetrable perfectionist tendencies. Oh wait. I just did. Essentially, I feel a considerable weight borne out of my expectations clashing with my current capacities. What expectations, you ask? I've always found that a good first step in overcoming adversity is making a list. So let's list them:

• Posting - About anything. Just keeping the blog moving. I look to other movie bloggers whose pages are rife with fun and interesting posts-- and I envy their efficiency.
• Reviews - I've been trying with great might to compromise between my perfectionism and my desire for simplicity and timeliness. When I mix in the fog, I can barely grasp my own opinion, let alone offer some sort of meaningful analysis. I dropped the ball for a few films (namely, The Road, Fantastic Mr. Fox, Up in the Air, and Nine-- all of which I quite liked and want to write about), but hopefully Hollywood will forgive and I won't be blacklisted from future press screenings.
  
• Movies - You'd think that sitting down to watch a movie wouldn't generate so much stress, but damn that McConaughey!! Every movie feels like a marriage proposal-- a massive commitment to update my blog, write a review, perform a comprehensive analysis, compare and contrast to every other movie I've seen this year. Yes, I know it's absurd.

And plenty of factors uninvolved with the Appleplexy (i.e. school, health, friends, family, future, etc.).

So here's my New Year's Resolution: to fight the fog. No matter what-- even if it means scaling back my absurdly high-set standards.

One thing I'm hoping to do is offer my take on 2009 as the year in cinema. But I've still got quite the haul for my eyeballs to handle. Here's what I still need to see. I'm fleshing it out right here in text because making a list is the first step to making things right. Yessiree.

• 35 Shots of Rum
• Avatar
• The Bad Lieutenant
• Big Fan
• Broken Embraces
• Brothers
• The Brothers Bloom
• Crazy Heart
• Duplicity
• Enter the Void
• Humpday
• I Love You, Man
• The Imaginarium of Dr. Parnassus
• In the Loop
• Julia
• The Last Station
• Lorna's Silence
• The Lovely Bones
• The Maid
• Mary & Max
• Me & Orson Welles
• The Messenger
• Moon
• Police, Adjective
• Ponyo
• The Princess and the Frog
• Public Enemies
• Red Cliff
• Seraphine
• Sherlock Holmes
• Sin Nombre
• A Single Man
• Sugar
• Summer Hours
• Taking Woodstock
• That Evening Sun
• Watchmen
• The White Ribbon
• World's Greatest Dad
• Zombieland
  

I hope to get through each and every one of these (give or take) before the Oscar telecast, and there are probably a handful of films I've forgotten to include. Please comment with any suggestions and omissions! You can see what I've already seen on my "2009 Scorecard" on the right side of the blog.

So that's 40 films (a number of them still only in theaters) in about two months. Plus, I want to have something written about every 2009 film I've seen, even if it's just a blurb or capsule review.

Can he do it?

(YES HE CAN!)

Thank you, peanut gallery! So off I go. The new year will be a new beginning for Appleplectic and for me, Adam.

Joseph Gordon-Levitt Has Something to Say

Such a beautiful thoughtful boy!

Can You Spot the Nepotism?

The answer, after the JUMP!

The Tracker is Back-er!

After slaving away for hours on end, I am pleased to report that the Oscar Tracker is completely uploaded and updated in every category!

Head on over to the Tracker to see which candidates are racking up the most recognition around the pre-cursor awards circuit. This year, the Tracker will be keeping tabs on these categories:

BEST PICTURE

BEST DIRECTOR

LEAD ACTOR

LEAD ACTRESS

SUPPORTING ACTOR

SUPPORTING ACTRESS

SCREENPLAY (ORIGINAL & ADAPTED)

The tracker will be continuously updated as more awards are announced. As of writing this post, here are the top candidates in each category according to the Tracker:

Best Picture

1. The Hurt Locker
2. Up in the Air
3. Inglourious Basterds
4. Precious
5. Up
6. A Serious Man
7. Avatar
8. An Education
   
9. (500) Days of Summer
   
10. The Messenger
    

Best Director

1. Kathryn Bigelow, The Hurt Locker
2. Jason Reitman, Up in the Air
3. Quentin Tarantino, Inglourious Basterds
4. Clint Eastwood, Invictus
5. Lee Daniels, Precious

Lead Actor

1. George Clooney, Up in the Air
2. Colin Firth, A Single Man
3. Jeff Bridges, Crazy Heart
4. Jeremy Renner, The Hurt Locker
5. Morgan Freeman, Invictus

Lead Actress

1. Carey Mulligan, An Education
2. Meryl Streep, Julie & Julia
3. Gabby Sidibe, Precious
4. Sandra Bullock, The Blind Side (I SO CALLED THIS!)
5. Emily Blunt, The Young Victoria
   

 Supporting Actor

1. Christoph Waltz, Inglourious Basterds
2. Woody Harrelson, The Messenger
3. Christian McKay, Me & Orson Welles
4. Stanley Tucci, The Lovely Bones
5. Alfred Molina, An Education

Supporting Actress

1. Mo'Nique, Precious
2. Anna Kendrick, Up in the Air
3. Vera Farmgia, Up in the Air
4. Samantha Morton, The Messenger
   
5. Marion Cotillard, Nine

 Original Screenplay

1. Inglourious Basterds, by Quentin Tarantino
2. A Serious Man, by Joel & Ethan Coen
3. (500) Days of Summer, by Scott Neustadter & Michael H. Weber
4. The Hurt Locker, by Mark Boal
5. Up, by Bob Peterson & Pete Docter

Adapted Screenplay

1. Up in the Air, by Jason Reitman & Sheldon Turner
2. Fantastic Mr. Fox, by Wes Anderson & Noah Baumbach
3. In the Loop, by Jesse Armstrong, Simon Blackwell, Armando Iannucci, & Tony Roche
4. Precious, by Geoffrey Fletcher
5. An Education, by Nick Hornby

I don't know about you, but I think that is one attractive set of nominees. Let's hope Oscar embraces the wisdom of crowds and follows suit!

If you're confused about how the Tracker exactly works and what all the different colored ribbons mean, I will soon be posting an explanation of the entire point tabulation process on the Tracker main page. So stay tuned!

And remember: I will be updating the tracker as critic groups, guilds, and voting bodies announce their end-of-the-year film award nominees and winners. The most recent update will also be noted on Tracker main page-- so check back often!

UPDATE: An explanation of the Tracker point tabulation system can now be found on the Tracker main page. I've also updated the Tracker predictions above for 12/19/09 (HFCS awards), as I found some of the originally posted scores to be inaccurate.

Adam is Back! The Oscar Tracker is Back!

Hey, readers! I'm back! Thanks for hanging in there!

I am at home and recovering nicely from surgery. In the meantime, I've been working on both a new project and a familiar old friend...

THE OSCAR TRACKER!

That's right, the Oscar Tracker is back-- this time as a super special part of the Appleplectic experience.

So what is the Tracker, you ask? The Tracker keeps track of all the "pre-cursor" awards given out at the end of this year and the beginning of next year. Recognition for each potential candidate is recorded and converted to a numerical score, giving us a better idea of who and what is poised for success with the naked gold man in the sky come next March.

Right now, the Tracker is uploaded and updated for BEST PICTURE. The remaining categories will be added over the next two weeks. But the results (if I may say so humbly myself) are pretty awesome.

Right now, The Hurt Locker is sitting comfortably as the most honored film of the year, followed by a strong showing for Up in the Air, and then (somewhat surprisingly), Quentin Tarantino's Inglourious Basterds. See which other films are racking up award recognition at the TRACKER!

My Life is a George Clooney Movie

Or at least, it's the title of a George Clooney movie.

Tomorrow I'm having fairly extensive surgery performed at the joint between my skull and spine. Hopefully, it will alleviate many of the health issues I've been struggling with for the past 4-1/2 years.

I don't know what tomorrow will bring. My life is best lived one day at a time-- no, one step at a time, moment after moment. In this moment, I am fearful of what may come to pass, of what my future will entail.

I could be made worse. I could be completely better. I could remain unchanged. When I will know is when that moment arises-- and not a moment sooner.

But for now, I will be taking a short break from cinema obsessions, movie reviews, and the general appleplexy. Keep me in your thoughts, and I hope to be back in no time.

- Adam.

Hello Again, Clarice

Here's something to celebrate...

Rebooting an indelible image, from Empire Magazine's 20th birthday portfolio.

Another exquisite reinterpretation...

Yummy.

Oops... I Reviewed These, Didn't I?

I have been severely neglecting the blog as of late, but I hope to change this extra super soon. Oscar season fast approaches, and things are starting to heat up in the circle of cinema.

For now, a few reviews I failed to inform you about:

A week-and-a-half or-so ago, I offered up my take on The Twilight Saga New Moon, An Education, The Blind Side, and Precious: Based on the Novel Push by Sapphire.

Read all four reviews at THE DAGGER!