No indeed. This is a different kind of whore. A much more dirty and disgusting whore whose diseases are proliferated throughout an unsuspecting public, causing irreparable destruction to all of mankind.
This is the Quote Whore.
Courageous media watchdog Erik Childress over at eFilmCritic.com has revealed his annual report of published "critics" all too eager to get down on their knees and open real wide for any passing movie studio with a greenback or two.
Childress offers an eye-opening, fascinating, and frankly, quite hilarious examination of the year's most despicable quote whoring. What exactly is a "quote whore," you ask? They are "professionals" whose sloppy send-ups are used by movie studios on official publicity materials as protection for their poorer products. Their stamp of approval is usually concise, generous with praise, lacking imagination, and entirely ridiculous-- even downright dishonest. They especially love the superlative: every new release brings a new "best" or "most" to the cinematic table.
Why do they do it? Childress occasionally offers speculation. Kickbacks? Maybe. Invites to exclusive events? Maybe. Perks and trinkets? Perhaps. A few more strokes to the bloated ego? Almost definitely.
What I love most about Childress' Criticwatch is its inherent incontrovertible scientific nature. He simply compiles statements attributed to others, and the conclusions basically draw themselves.
How does one defend, for instance, a declaration that "Channing Tatum and Terrence Howard are perfect!" in the typically average action drama Fighting? The answer is: you can't defend it. It's completely absurd. Yet the 9th whoriest whore of the year Sandie Newton found these words to be fair fodder.
Other amusing attestations:
- "Grab your girlfriends and go see this summer’s most heartwarming film!" -- Maria Salas on My Sister's Keeper
- "A breathtaking thrill ride." -- Stuart Lee on Law Abiding Citizen
- Hilarious! Confessions is a nonstop laughing spree." -- Pete Hammond on Confessions of a Shopaholic
- "An irresistible comedy that will put a big fat smile on your face." -- Jeff Craig on My Life in Ruins
- "One of the best family films of the year…as engaging as the original…and with one of the funniest screenplays of the year." -- Jeffrey Lyons on Night at the Museum: Battle of the Smithsonian"
- "Totally hilarious! The funniest, craziest and zaniest teen movie ever." -- Shawn Edwards on Fired Up
The "Michael Medved 'Bag O'Douche' Award" bestowed at the end of the article might get a little too caught up in personal quibbles and insecurities, but this is still a must-read. So click on over and start moving those eyeballs!
Erik Childress presents: Criticwatch 2009 - The Whores of the Year over at eFilmCritic.com.